By: Amanda Andruzzi

Are you married to an addict or alcoholic? You probably feel exhausted, confused, and not just a little bit angry.  We’re here to let you know that you’re not alone. But that you need to make changes.

Helping an addicted spouse may or may not end in their road to recovery. The merry-go-round you are on keeps spinning and you want to make it stop. You want to keep your marriage. But you can no longer decipher the lies from the truths.

Here, we will discuss points on how to navigate through some common issues so you can start making better decisions. Then, we invite your questions, experience(s), and comments at the end.

How To Help A Drug Addict: The Law Of Attraction

The Law of Attraction implies positive attracts positive. If you are acting in a negative way and expressing feelings of sadness and negativity, then it is likely your spouse will feed off of that and/or use this against you. If you behave in a positive way and live your life positively, despite your spouse’s addiction, it may generate positive results.

If you perpetuate anger, disappointment, and sadness, you may generate similar results in the exchange you have with your spouse. You may not be able to change someone else, but you can either inspire them to change or inspire yourself to move on.  So, what does this look like in practical, real life terms when living in a codependent marriage. How can you live with or love an active drug addict?

You Want The Lies To Stop

WHAT HAPPENS: The lies and manipulation can hurt the most. Some of us would rather our bank account be emptied for a weekend bender than have a spouse look you in the eye and tell you they are sober, when they clearly are not.

WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT: If you can understand that lies are part of the addiction, the lies may not hurt as much.  If part of the disease is to hide the truth to maintain the addiction, then take a step back and expect to be lied to. You know very well, the truth from a lie, deep down inside. If you want the lies to stop, then try to trust your instincts. If something does not sound right or feel right to you, then that is the truth.

You Want Him To Get Into A Program

WHAT HAPPENS: He may have failed at rehabilitation programs, tried to kick the addiction on his own, or refused that he needs help. You are fully aware he has a problem and you know he will need help.

Rehab or detox does not always work, especially not the first time. You do not have to give up simply because your spouse has failed at recovery. You can however change your strategy. If an addict is forced to get help, it probably means they did not want to. How many times have you done something you did not want to do and kept doing it? The person who is addicted should want to get help, not feel like they are doing it for someone else.

WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT: You cannot control someone into getting help, but you can make it less likely their addiction will run smoothly. Decide to stop enabling a drug addicted or alcohol husband. Shed some light on what is going on to the people around you both who do not know what is really going on. If you have open and honest conversations with people you love and trust they may be able to help and stop enabling the addict. When an addict has nowhere and no one to turn to, sometimes they will have no choice but to see just how unmanageable their life has become.

You Want Him To Stop Hanging Out With Other Drug Users

WHAT HAPPENS: You want to show him how the “friends” he is using with are not a good influence on him. You block or track his calls, you throw his phone out, hide his keys, or confront his friends but he still goes out with them. These are not his friends; these are his dealers, his drug buddies, and people who are in the same point in their life as he is. You cannot compete with anyone that he gets high with. If you try, he will just lie.

WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT: So try a different approach. Stop caring about who he hangs out with and let him do what he wants to do. Stop fighting him. He knows you want him to stop. You have made the things you want him to change clear. Why play the game?

Stop playing into his addiction and let him realize that you are moving on with your life, and he is welcome to do the same. He only detests you when you try to stop him from using, so perhaps letting him know you are not happy with his addiction, that you are going to live your own life, will send a clear message; he will lose you.

Should you leave an addicted or alcoholic spouse? It’s going to be your decision. But once you decide, get help and support to follow through.  This time though, you will be showing him, not just telling him.

Can You Get Your Husband Into Recovery?

• “I will stop using as soon as I get through this stressful month at work.”
• “I need you to help me; I cannot live without you.”
• “I will stop drinking for a month, I can control it.”

You pray that each time you hear words of remorse or shame from your addicted spouse that this will really be the last time. You have read every book on recovery for families and how to help an addict and…no luck. You hang your hopes on the few stories you have heard, like urban legends, of wives who have helped their husbands into recovery. You are skeptical of anyone who tells you that you cannot fix your husband.

The truth is that YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOUR SPOUSE. This is a harsh reality. We know this. So, if you need to share and know that you are not alone, please leave us a comment here. We’ll try to get back with you ASAP.

Photo credit: Dennis Skley

The Up And Downside Of Truth

“There is almost nothing outside of you that will help in any kind of lasting way, unless you are waiting for an organ. This is the most horrible truth.” – Ann Lamott

This truth also can be the most liberating. But you must first come to accept that you can’t fix anyone no matter how much you love and cherish them. And when that loved one abuses alcohol and/or illegal drugs, focusing inside yourself rather than outside on your loved one’s problems is a challenge.

In this article, we briefly review the main traps that family and friends of addicts can fall into when it comes to loving someone who is chemically addicted to alcohol or drugs. What’s the antidote to these traps? Dig in and do the work…on YOURSELF.

More On Worrying

When you love or care for an addict, worry and “what if” become constant companions.

• What if he loses his job?
• What if she can’t take care of her kids?
• What if he lands in jail or prison?
• What if he kills someone in an auto accident?
• And worst of all, what if he dies from a drug overdose or the cumulative effects of alcoholism?

This fear is not unfounded. According to the Center for Disease Control, overdose deaths more than doubled from 1999 to 2012. In 2012 alone, there were 41,502 drug overdose deaths, of which 16,007 involved analgesics and 5,925 from heroin.

To put it another way, consider this. One person (often young) dies every 4 minutes from alcohol or other drug related problems. That’s 15 every hour or 360 every day. This is equivalent to a jumbo jet falling from the sky with no survivors every day of the year.

Enabling: Well Intentioned But Misguided

However, our worries and “What ifs” cause us to rush in and assume responsibility for our loved one’s destructive behavior. It’s called enabling and it’s a stinker. I read somewhere that addicts crave enabling like plants need water. We enable because we want to protect our loved ones. We enable because we don’t want our family to be disgraced. We enable because we don’t know what else to do. We enable because we don’t want our husband, wife, daughter or son to become another fatal statistic.

Although misguided, our actions are well-intended. After all, family and friends help one another when a member is in need. However, if our loved ones have any chance of recovery, we must get out of their way and let them take responsibility for their behavior. Enabling is not helping! We need to move the spotlight from them and shine it directly at us. To take a long, hard look inside ourselves, even when we don’t like what we see. “This is the most horrible truth.”

Accepting this horrible truth was a challenge when my adult son was abusing drugs. A loving mom, I enabled, big time. When my son stole money from me, I ignored it. When his checks bounced, I covered them. When he landed in jail, I bailed him out. And when the phone rang in the middle of the night, my heart raced.

No amount of nagging, preaching, begging, or threatening, worked. Finally, when I had enough, I went to my first twelve-step meeting and was told flat out, “This program is about you, not about your loved one.” Say what? How can this be? I was there to learn how to fix my son. I didn’t need fixing. He did.

Digging In

Turns out that nothing changed until I decided to dig deep inside myself. To toss aside my “God suit” and face the naked truth that I was the one who needed fixing. (More here on tools of codependence recovery.)

During a support group meeting, someone said, “All you have to do is to be willing.” To be willing to make recovery a priority. To be willing to unearth unhealthy behavior. To be willing to abandon my pride and embrace humility. To be willing to admit my faults, fears, and frustrations.

I’ve learned that almost everything inside of me: my thoughts, actions, beliefs, and attitudes, determines how I live my life with all of its joys and sorrows. I have choices. I can choose to live in the grip of my loved one’s addiction or I can choose to become free. This is the most liberating truth.

Do You Love An Addict? Let Us Know…So, do you love an addict but can’t get free from worry or enabling patterns? Are you looking into how to address addiction and family issues? Please leave us a comment in the section below. We’ll do our best to respond to you personally and promptly. You are not alone.

Photo credit: leasqueaky

By: Carol Weis

Hitting Bottom

For many alcoholics, it takes some kind of life altering event to admit we have a problem and seek help. It may be losing a job or a relationship, it might be a car accident or a DUI, or for some, it may mean losing the family they love. For me, it was vomiting up a bottle of wine as my five-year-old asked if I was okay that finally pushed me to get sober. For my brother, it meant going to jail.

It’s different for everyone.

Hitting bottom is a process an alcoholic (or any addict) goes through to lift their denial about their disease and/or addiction, and the physical and emotional damage it is doing to them and others in their lives. It is that light bulb moment when an addict realizes he or she has had enough. Enough of the misery they feel each morning they wake up. Enough of the broken promises to themselves and others. Enough humiliation, enough remorse, enough dis-respect. It is the wake-up call many alcoholics and addicts need to go through to make them commit to ending the rampage created by their disease. It is time for help with alcoholism.

Where Exactly Is Bottom?

No one can really say where bottom is for any alcoholic or addict. In the 25 years of my active drinking, I hit numerous bottoms. I was fired from a job, arrested for DUI, suffered endless hangovers, landed in the ER twice from alcohol poisoning, was told by a therapist I needed to stop and by men they’d never marry someone ‘like me.’ So of course, I married another inebriate, who when I revealed I might be alcoholic convinced me I wasn’t, which allowed me to continue drinking for another 12 years.

“The premise of hitting bottom is that addicts hit one bottom and, when they get there, they are either struck sober or go running for the nearest treatment center. But addicts are resilient. They find people to rescue them. They often bounce along the bottom for years without a flicker of recognition that they need help. When they find themselves in a tough spot, alcohol whispers reassurances: There’s nothing to worry about as long as you have me,” says Interventionist Debra Jay in her book No More Letting Go.

When I first started attending A.A. meetings, I was shocked by some of the stories being told there. I couldn’t help think that most of the people I was listening to were worse off than me. Many talked about the ‘yets,’ in other words, all the things they hadn’t done when they drank but could have if they’d kept on going. After all, they hadn’t wrapped a car around a telephone pole yet, they hadn’t gotten raped from being drunk yet, they hadn’t beaten their wife yet.

The Sabotaged Mind

Dr. David Karol Gore, a substance abuse counselor from Atlanta, believes the disease of addiction is the only illness people can experience, while remaining oblivious to the fact they have a serious ailment requiring immediate attention. Simple logic says if you break your arm, you need medical treatment; the body and mind work together to make it obvious the limb won’t work properly until it’s treated. Alcoholism and alcohol addiction, on the other hand, works the opposite way; even as the physical symptoms manifest themselves, the disease sabotages the message between body and mind to keep the addict captive to the whims of the illness. Denial is the hallmark of addiction; complete negation of the problem or that there is a problem ‘yet’.

Sometimes, ‘yets’ can help people get and stay sober, but they can also keep an alcoholic in denial about their situation and in need of hitting what some call ‘rock bottom.’ A lose-everything-kind-of-place that no one wants to go, which for some, results in death.

The best thing to do is get help before any of this happens.

Things to remember about hitting bottom:

• For many alcoholics, it takes a life-altering event to admit you have a problem and seek help.
• Many alcoholics will stay in denial about their disease by saying that bad things haven’t happened yet.
• Hitting rock bottom is a lose-everything-kind-of-place no one wants to go. Get help before that happens.

Where Alcoholics Can Go For Help: 5 Tips

1. Take a self-assessment test for alcohol problems.

How can you tell if you have an alcohol problem? If you think you have a drinking problem, chances are you probably do. It might be helpful to take this self-test issued by the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence in order to identify possible alcoholism.

2. Seek out support groups.

If the test leans towards a problem, attending a 12-step meeting like A.A., SMART Recovery, or Rational Recovery may be good places to go next. Try a few different meetings before making a decision which one is best for you.

3. Seek one-on-one professional help.

Talking to a psychologist, therapist or counselor will also help you get the reason why some people are alcoholic. The American Psychological Association operates a “Find a Therapist” directory on their website. It’s a good place to start.

4. Look into treatment centers that treat alcoholism.

Many mental health clinics offer intensive outpatient programs, often referred to as IOPs, for those seeking help for alcohol and substance abuse. While residential rehab may work for some, other people find that a treatment center is the best option for them.

5. Make sure the family is treated.

And lastly, if someone’s else’s drinking troubles you, attending an Al-Anon meeting might be helpful. The CRAFT model for intervention, which requires family participation and training is also helpful.

Reach Out Now For Help

Remember that you are not alone! You can leave us a comment and we’ll get back with you as soon as we can. And if we can’t answer a specific question that you have, we can refer you to someone who can.

Reference Sources: Jay, Debra, No More Letting Go: The Spirituality of Taking Action Against Alcoholism and Drug Addiction, Bantam, 2006
Gore, Dr. David Karol, Hitting Bottom In Addiction: The Only Way To Go Is Down, Dr. Gore’s website.

Photo credit: coombesy