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The Freedom of Forgiveness

8/28/2014

People will let you down. Unconsciously or deliberately, they’ll offend and harm you. Maybe you find it easy to forgive, but if you are trapped in a cycle of resentment it might be time to discover the freedom of forgiveness.

Forgiving Others

The deeper the wound and the more complex the emotions, the harder it will be to forgive. But no matter how difficult the process, it is one that has power to bring closure to or restore a relationship. Regularly practicing forgiveness can also result in healing for your mind, body and soul.

It can be a challenge to forgive someone who has hurt you. As a young child my mother abandoned me and left me to be brought up by an abusive father. Their actions were significant in my long-term struggle with depression and alcoholism. I blamed them completely for my lack of self-esteem and self-destructive behavior as an adult.

However, as long as I blamed others, I absolved myself of any responsibility for my emotional and physical well-being. Clearly I needed to learn how to change my thinking in order to let go of the past and move on with my life. And essential to overcoming both my psychological disorders and my addiction was forgiveness.

Very often, that which you need to forgive is an event over which you had no control. Or it was a remark that was profoundly hurtful. Whatever the offense, there is nothing you can do to change it. How you react to it, however, is up to you. You can continue to carry the pain of the past through bitterness, intolerance and mistrust. Or you can choose to forgive and start to live free from the negativity that affects not just you but those around you.

Forgiving Yourself

When it comes to forgiving yourself, you need to make similar choices. You can decide to allow the shame of your past to overshadow your future and you can continue to condemn yourself for your imperfection. Alternatively, you can determine to accept what happened, challenge your need for perfection, and give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn from them.

This is particularly important in managing conditions such as depression or when recovering from addiction because unresolved shame, guilt and regret can be significant contributors to destructive patterns. Learning to forgive yourself is a key step to being able to let go of who you used to be and opening the door to who you want to be.

Making the Decision to Forgive

Whether it’s forgiving yourself or another here are five points to consider:

Before you ask how, ask why. Why do you want to forgive? Is it to find closure in a situation long since passed, or is it to restore a relationship? Allow your motivation to guide you and find support to help you achieve your aims.
Remember that forgiveness does not mean forgetting, condoning or excusing actions or words. Neither is it a form of surrender. Rather it is a stepping stone to acceptance of the past, which in itself is the foundation to forgive.
The longer you allow your mind to be controlled by bitterness, rage and heartbreak, the greater the chance that you will self-medicate with substances such as drugs, alcohol or food.
If replaying an event over and over in your mind is leaving you mentally exhausted or depressed then you need to determine that the past has keep you hostage for long enough and it is time to break free. Learning to forgive will help you take control of a situation over which you previously had none.
Forgiveness starts with saying it. A genuinely meant, “I forgive you,” can help to renew a relationship. Still, actions speak louder than words. Showing remorse, making amends and not repeating the words or behavior are crucial to building trust.
If self-forgiveness is an issue, remember that if you are living under condemnation you are setting yourself up for failure, disappointment and relapse. By contrast, if you choose to recognize your past mistakes and accept your imperfections as part of your uniqueness, you will be able to let go and move forward.
Forgiveness isn’t transient; it’s a proactive plan that continues over time. Memories may remain unchanged, but a choice to release yourself from the past empowers you to live your life as the person you were meant to be.

Dr. Martin Luther King said, “Forgiveness is not an occasional act. It is a permanent attitude.” Having the mindset to forgive does indeed take practice, but it is worth it. Studies have shown that being able to forgive can have immense benefits both physically and mentally. Forgiveness can not only improve your relationships, but also can help you live a healthier and happier life. Whether it’s forgiveness for yourself or another, no one benefits more than you. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. That’s the freedom of forgiveness.

By-- Carolyn Hughes

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Act Today to Make Changes

8/11/2014

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"Change your life today. Don’t gamble on the future, act now, without delay." – Simone de Beauvoir, French existentialist philosopher, writer and feminist (1908-1986)

For most of us, we can count on there being a tomorrow. Some of us, however, will not see a tomorrow. In either case, there’s definitely no time like the present to do things that we have either been putting off or are too lazy to attempt today.

This isn’t meant to be a downer. Instead, it’s meant to motivate us, to spur us to action. For it is only by acting that we accomplish our goals, whatever they may be. It doesn’t matter if the goal requires long-term planning and step-by-step achievement of goals or the desired outcome is one that we want to accomplish today. If we fail to act, it won’t be realized. Not today, not ever. Goals are only met when we put in the effort and do the hard work required to achieve them.

Who can make these changes but us? Our loved ones can’t make them. Our family and friends can’t do them for us. Neither can our sponsor or therapist or anyone else. Others can make recommendations, encourage and support us in our recovery endeavors, even inspire us with their actions, but they simply cannot do that which we must do ourselves.

Why do we put off things, anyway? For some, it’s the fear of failure. For others, it’s the fear of rejection. For still others, it may be a combination of the two. Or, we may just be lazy, feel we have too much already on our plate and think that there’s always tomorrow to get busy and take care of matters.

One way to overcome the tendency to put off what needs to be done is to make incremental small steps toward making changes. In other words, we don’t have to bite off more than we feel we can chew. Just take small bites, or do some little bit of the prep work for making changes. Let’s take an example, one that we can all probably relate to.

When we first entered recovery, we knew we wanted to maintain our sobriety. But this life of abstinence was all new to us, and the prospect of being sober forever seemed an impossible goal. We were fearful, unsure, confused. How could we achieve this goal? We began by focusing on our life today and taking it one day and one step at a time, literally. We cannot predict what will happen tomorrow, but if we are intent on making changes, we can take the small steps today that will add up to our being better able to realize and fulfill our goal in the days, weeks and months to come.

We know how good it feels to receive our milestone awards. When we’ve reached that first 30 days of sobriety, then 60 and 90 and one year anniversary, we have a good feeling about what we’ve done and what we’ve been able to accomplish. That marks a tremendous change for most of us, and one that we rightfully deserve to be proud of.

Remember that we grow as we learn, and we learn and grow as we do. Little things do add up, and the sum total contributes to our solid foundation in recovery. We should also not concern ourselves with how much and how far others seem to have come, for there is a unique path of recovery for each of us. Our trajectory in sobriety may be similar to that of another, but it is our path alone simply because we are the ones who are traveling it, making the necessary choices and doing the actions we’ve set for ourselves in our recovery plan.

Make making changes a little easier by setting a small but desirable goal for ourselves today. Then, figure out the best way to go about achieving that goal. Then, get busy and do what needs to be done. At the end of the day, we’ll have made progress and made some small change in our life. And that’s an integral and important lesson in how we make changes going forward.

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Be Mindful of Your Blessings

8/4/2014

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“Reflect upon your present blessings – of which every man has many – not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” – Charles Dickens, English writer and social critic (1812-1870)

Blessings are with us every day, yet it is quite common for those of us in recovery to pay them little heed. Indeed, we’re so focused on doing what we have on our daily schedules, ticking off items on our recovery to-do list, that we may seldom even think about how good we really have it.

Honestly, we do have a lot to be grateful for, no matter how recent our introduction to recovery. Even though we may have been clean and sober for many years, there are still so many blessings that we can list. That is, if we take the time to do so. And shouldn’t we take some time now and then to do just that?

When trying to ascertain just what is in our life today that could be considered a blessing, why not start with the fact that we are alive to appreciate being here. That’s an excellent reminder of both the fragility and the brevity of life on this earth. It could just as easily have been otherwise, given our past obsession in the pursuit of our drug or drugs of choice.

What about family members and loved ones who have stuck by us through all those dark days, during the times when we ourselves wondered if we’d make it through rehab or have the strength to overcome persistent cravings and urges? Are we appreciative of the gift of these of our allies who are steadfast in their support and encouragement of our sobriety efforts and goals? Maybe a thank-you or some words of appreciation would be a nice gesture. It will at least let them know that we value what they have provided and continue do offer.

Another blessing is clarity of mind, the ability to think more clearly, to better approach decision-making, even our willingness to tackle tough issues, unexpected challenges or seemingly-impossible hurdles. We didn’t get here overnight, of course, and we will continue to experience difficulties as well as opportunities going forward, but taking just a moment to acknowledge our blessings in where we are now and how much we’ve been able to accomplish toward our recovery goals is certainly something we should do.

From time to time we may find that our past intrudes, bringing with it unpleasant or disturbing memories of all the bad things that we’ve said and done during our addiction. While we cannot and should not ignore our past, since we will need to eventually make amends when and where we can for the harm that we have caused others, we don’t need to dwell on the past. We should also know that beating ourselves up over our mistakes and misfortunes does us no good whatsoever. It’s better to learn from our mistakes than continue to obsess over them.

Speaking of learning from our mistakes, this is another blessing that we can put on our list of things to be grateful for. Undoubtedly, we have figured out a number of effective and workable solutions to various issues and problems we face in sobriety. To the extent that we have kept a list of what works well and make use of those techniques and tips the next time we are confronted with something similar, we have added to our recovery toolkit and we are adapting and revising our approach to solving problems accordingly.

How about goals? Have we broadened our horizon to include goals that we truly want to achieve? If we have been in recovery for a while, we likely have a growing list of accomplishments that we once thought were impossible, at least for us. Now that we have some successes to our name, we can look at them and be both grateful and fulfilled for having done so. This should also serve to motivate us to take up the next goal that we find appealing or worthwhile.

Come to think of it, counting our blessings may very well mean that we have more opportunities each day to be thankful for our gift of life in recovery. We’ve made it this far and we have much more ahead of us to do. We are blessed indeed.

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The Freedom of Forgiveness

Act Today to Make Changes

Be Mindful of Your Blessings

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