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Family support and addiction recovery: Moving through fear

2/26/2015

1 Comment

 
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In every story about heroes, from the Greek myths to modern day adaptations like Star Wars in order to grow the hero has to confront their fears, battle with that fear and ultimately move beyond that fear. In order to conquer the demon you must face it head on, see it for what it is and master the fear.

Here, we explore how you can cope with addiction within the family. Take you own hero’s journey and let go of the fear that is holding you back. Fear of change. Fear of things staying the same. Fear of others. Fear of ourselves. Then, we invite your questions or comments about addiction and the familyat the end. In fact, we try to respond to all comments with a personal and prompt reply.

Moving Through Fear: A Guide To Letting Go!

Fear is a powerful motivator, but frequently it motivates us in the wrong direction, away from things that allow us to grow, keeping us from opportunity. This is especially true for people who grew up (or are growing up) in homes with alcoholism or addiction. Why? Because we have been trained to understand that the things we are afraid often come true.

The Monsters Are Real

When you are being raised with alcoholism or substance abuse in the mix, there really are monsters. You learn early on that it is best to live life in a way that keeps the monsters away. The problem is that as we grow the things that were true when we were young may not be true anymore, and living our lives based on those fears means that we are living limited by our past. To live a fully engaged life, we have to learn from the past but we also have to let go of the things that have stopped protecting us and now prohibit us from reaching our full potential; old fear has to go!

How?

5 Steps For Families In Addiction Recovery


1. Face the demon.

What are you afraid of? This is not always an obvious answer so get into your toddler mode and start asking “why”. If you are resisting doing something new, or unwilling to take on a different kind of challenge, or if your immediate reaction to something is to say “no” explore this-ask yourself why over and over until you can get to the root of what is making you uncomfortable. You don’t have to change your mind, you just want to get to a point of understanding.

2. Explain the reason for the fear.

Once you have got down to the root of the discomfort, explain it to yourself just the way you would explain it to another person if they were sitting in the room with you.

3. Argue with yourself.

Apply logic. Does it really make sense to hold onto this fear with the people and circumstances of your life today? Does it still apply? If you were told over and over that you couldn’t or shouldn’t or were bad are those things actually true today? Is there evidence to support this or is it just an old story?

4. Reject/Replace/Receive based on what you just learned.

After you looked at the fear and taken a chance to understand where it came from and whether or not it is still true make a decision about what you are going to do with this information. If it isn’t true and doesn’t fit your life anymore then Reject it. If it’s really just an old habit and there is something new that applies to your life, Replace that old fear with what is true for you today.

5. Work with the fear.

Finally, maybe the fear is still applicable to your life, maybe you have more work to do, that’s okay; allow yourself to embrace the fear, Receive it in your life and accept that it is something you have to work with. Simply by acknowledging it you may give yourself the opportunity to ask for help, ask for comfort, seek guidance and find ways to start letting it go.

It Ain’t Easy

This isn’t an easy process. Here is my own example: I get uncomfortable when I have to rely on someone else to do something, whether this is building a piece of furniture or taking out the trash. I’m afraid I’m not going to get what I want and I am not going to be taken care of. I don’t trust that the other person will do what they say, and I’m afraid they won’t like me because I asked.

Why?

Because I grew up in a house with substance abuse, family dysfunction, and addiction. The adults who raised me didn’t follow through on what they said. Then they would tell me I was a bad person for asking.

As an adult, I had to look at whether or not this was a reasonable behavior to expect from my spouse, co-worker’s or other adults. With a lot of exploration I realized it was not reasonable behavior and I could reject the fear that prevented me from trusting others, I could replace that feeling with what was true now-sadness at how I had been treated as a child and disappointment when someone doesn’t follow through, and I was able to receive a new depth in my relationships because I was no longer showing up with old fears.

Coming face to face with your fears can be terrifying; realizing that you don’t have to be controlled by that fear means that you can come out of that dark tunnel to glorious new opportunities for living your life. That’s why we are here to help get you started.

Your Questions And Comments Are Welcomed

Are you seeking family support for addiction? Please let us know how we can help. We’ll respond to you personally or help refer you to someone who can.

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Check Your Arrogance at the Door-There’s No Place for It in Recovery

2/12/2015

3 Comments

 
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After a certain amount of time in recovery, it is a natural reaction to begin displaying a little confidence. Clean and sober a few months, you are probably feeling as though you are hitting your stride. In the beginning, just resisting the urge to drink or use was a major accomplishment. Maybe things have gradually improved at home, things are back on track at work, and you are finally getting your life back to some semblance of normal. The trust you lost during your addiction is returning each day that you stay clean and sober.

People cannot help but notice the difference in you as your self-confidence returns. Perhaps your pastor asked you to speak to a group of impressionable teenagers about the dangers of drug use or you were asked to lead your favorite AA group’s next meeting. All of these things are reasons to be proud of yourself.

Climbing back from the depths of addiction is no small feat. Celebrating each hard-won victory is to be expected; in fact, it is also encouraged. It is important for loved ones to see how seriously you take your sobriety. It helps others who struggle to maintain theirs to see that if they, too, put the hard work necessary into it that they can achieve the same successes. However, there’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and it is an easy one to cross over. People gravitate toward the former and can’t run fast enough from the latter.

Self Confidence or Arrogance: How to Know the Difference

Every accomplishment in life is worthy of celebration. Whether it is reaching another month of sobriety, reconciliation with one’s family, graduation from school, or a promotion on a job, we all have milestones to celebrate. Without them, life is full of drudgery. The arrogant person announces his victory, while the self-confident person humbly acknowledges the hard work needed to achieve it. Along with that acknowledgment, the self-confident person thanks those who helped her get there and does not insist she deserves anything but rather reminds us that all of us are capable of living a life that is sober.

The self-confident person identifies with those around him, regardless of the circumstances that brought them to recovery, the drugs they took, or their socioeconomic background; by contrast, the arrogant person works hard to repeatedly separate himself from those he deems different from himself.

Identifying it, Stopping it and Learning a New Way

Following rehab, if you decided to join a group that uses the twelve-step approach to sobriety, you will hear some common expressions in the rooms. Some of them might be: “it works if you work it,” “I am sober, just for today,” “one day at a time,” and “keep it simple, sweetie.” You will hear another every so often from members: so and so is “an ego maniac with an inferiority complex.” What that means is that oftentimes low self-esteem masquerades itself with a large ego. Whether you know it or not, the majority of people can see the difference, even if it eludes you.

Regardless of who we are or from what circumstances we came, at one point or another we all have bouts of low self-esteem. Being new to recovery, fear of relapse, concern about what others think, or being worried you will make a mistake at work, at home, or in a social situation can be paralyzing for anyone. This is all a part of the hard work that goes into staying sober that those with self-confidence acknowledge. Pretending these obstacles don’t exist can turn people off and can also be dangerous to your sobriety. Remembering that people will do their best to avoid arrogance, it is difficult to be successful at recovery if the people needed don’t want to be around you.

How to Turn a Scar into a Star

The wonderful thing about life is that no matter what, it is possible to redeem oneself. The same tools needed to climb your way out of addiction onto the path of recovery will be the ones needed to act with confidence and not with arrogance.

There is no need to strive for perfection. Nobody wants you to be perfect; they want you to be sober and happy. Impossible to reach perfection, there is only one way to go – down! Be humble, grateful, and honest. Many people misunderstand the meaning of humility. It doesn’t mean a low opinion of oneself but rather a modest opinion of oneself. To practice humility means to remove one’s ego from the equation. Once the ego is removed, gratitude automatically creeps in. When you downplay your own role, express gratitude for those who support you, and recognize the hard work needed, people will want to hear your message and gravitate toward you again.


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Are You Responsible?

2/5/2015

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“My philosophy is that not only are you responsible for your life, but doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.” – Oprah Winfrey, American television host, actress, producer, and philanthropist (born 1954)

Sometimes when people learn about the disease of addiction, they think that it absolves them of all responsibility for their past behavior. Nothing could be further from the truth. Part of effective recovery, in fact, a fairly significant part, involves taking full responsibility for our actions, past and present. 
 
This isn’t always an easy thing to do. In fact, for many of us in recovery, particularly early recovery from chronic addiction, there’s so much about our past that is disgraceful, hurtful, and shameful that we’d much rather forget it than acknowledge it happened.

But we have to go through all those thoughts, words, and actions somewhere along the line as we begin to work the 12 steps of recovery. We can try to put it off, but if we don’t own our responsibility, we’re going to be stuck where we are.
And that is not what we want for ourselves in recovery. Moving forward means facing some pretty painful truths about ourselves and working to become a better person. No, it doesn’t mean beating ourselves up for our past actions, but it does mean squarely admitting what we’ve said and done that has hurt ourselves and others. We will need to make amends, one way or another, either directly to those whom we’ve hurt or indirectly if we cannot do so directly. 

But how we act in the present is also an indicator of whether or not we’re responsible. Before we open our mouths and utter an unkind comment, we should think about what we’re going to say first. What benefit is there to saying something uncharitable, rude, or mean? Is that working to be the best we can be in our recovery? If our actions are less than admirable – cutting in front of others in line because we’re in a hurry and can’t be bothered to be patient, or shouting down someone in the 12-step rooms who’s saying something we don’t like, that’s not being responsible.

It takes conscious thought and hard work to be responsible in recovery. But it is a measure of our humanity as well as a testament to our ongoing progress when we are responsible.


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