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Why Honesty Is So Important in Recovery

1/29/2015

When alcoholics and addicts are using, dishonesty becomes a way of life. Our primary purpose is to protect the addiction at any cost: we need to get our drink or drug and get away with it. It’s no wonder that lying becomes a way of life. Because lying eventually becomes second nature to the addict, honesty becomes a critical part of recovery. In fact, dishonesty is a hallmark sign of pending relapse. Lying takes enormous energy, and it brings us back to a secretive, shameful place that is not unlike our days of drinking or drugging.

But what does “getting honest” really mean in recovery? Does it mean we just get honest with ourselves about our behavior? It goes much deeper than that: it is critical that you are honest in every aspect of your life. This does not mean you hurt people by saying things that are honest but not helpful. What it does mean is that you are honest where it counts – in your interactions with family, friends, and co-workers.

Honesty is very simple: you don’t lie, cheat, or steal. You don’t cheat on your taxes; you don’t cheat on your spouse. You don’t steal from your employer. Don’t scam your insurance company. Don’t lie to get financial benefits that aren’t due you.

When I hear someone in recovery doing something that isn’t above board, I cringe: I know this is a crack in the wall…and we all know how cracks grow.

Being honest doesn’t mean if your wife says, “Do I look fat in this dress?” You remark, “Well yes dear, you look like a beached whale.” Don’t mistake true, heartfelt honesty and integrity with not being socially tactful. Clearly, there is a time and place for everything, and sometimes our thoughts are better kept to ourselves.

When it comes to the integrity of our daily interactions, we know darn well when we aren’t being honest.

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Fall Down, Then Get Up Again

1/22/2015

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“If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you chose, for this thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but the staying down.” – Mary Pickford, Canadian American actress and co-founder of United Artists (1892-1979)

Everyone has a slip-up now and then. Whether new to recovery or a long-time clean and sober individual, none of us is immune to falling down. The difference is only how we respond and react once we have made a mistake, fallen down or relapsed.

In essence, there are two choices: fall down and stay down, or fall down and get up – and learn from the experience.

Suppose we fall down frequently? Are we somehow in danger of losing our fresh start opportunities? Ask any addiction recovery expert and the likely answer is that it is never the number of times that a person relapses that is the ultimate determining factor in whether or not that person will ever be able to maintain sobriety. Instead, it is always whether or not they are willing to pick themselves up and get back to work doing what is necessary for their recovery.

Even though we may have relapsed – fallen down – three to 11 times, this still doesn’t close the door to recovery to us. We always have the opportunity to make changes in our life that will benefit our sobriety and help us to maintain our hard-won recovery once again.

Isn’t it funny, how we often have such a hard time believing this? To what can we attribute that? Let’s look at some of the things we tell ourselves about what just happened.

We must be bad; otherwise, none of this would have happened. Many of us equate our inability to “get it right” the first time as somehow indicating that we must have something really wrong with us. Maybe we are just bad people, not worthy of a second chance at life. We may even have others in our lives who berate us for our failures, calling us names, making us feel less worthy of success than we’d otherwise feel. But the truth is that we are not bad at all. We just haven’t begun to believe in ourselves yet. We need to find the good within each of us, to be able to clearly discern our motivation and to separate the actual experience of relapse from any feelings of lowered self-worth.
We can’t seem to learn. Here is another common rationalization that may very well keep us mired in negativity, especially after we’ve made yet another mistake or suffered a set-back or relapse. Maybe we tried to take on too much at once. Did we even think of that? Maybe we were in such a hurry that we skipped or missed a few critical steps. Maybe we weren’t ready to tackle that next challenge, problem or issue on our agenda or to-do list. There is such a thing as taking it slow and steady. Maybe we forgot about that recommendation? The good thing about having made mistakes or having a relapse is that we can always learn something positive from the experience. In fact, we only get stronger when we are able to see what, where and how we went wrong – so that we can correct our behavior and make better decisions the next time we encounter a similar experience.
Everything is stacked against us. The common lament that the world is against us and we don’t have a fighting chance is just one more piece of erroneous information that we pile up in our heads. We may even find ourselves saying words to that effect to any and all who might listen to our tale of woe. Again, it’s just us rationalizing instead of taking responsibility for what happened, trying to figure out the best approach to solve the problem or difficulty – like re-entering rehab or going for additional counseling or therapy – and moving on. We literally have to pluck the idea that the world is against us or that we don’t have a chance from our thoughts, quite simply because it isn’t true. Get on with the business of living and stop finding excuses for not trying our best.
What if it doesn’t work? No one has any guarantees about continuing sobriety. That much is clear. But what if whatever we try or try again, as in redoing rehab, doesn’t work? Suppose we are unable to stay clean and sober and relapse yet again? What if, what happens then, and so on? These are all good questions and quite common concerns among the newly recovered and those who have found themselves repeatedly relapsing. It is normal to worry about the unknown, in this case, what happens when what we try doesn’t yield the desired outcome – sobriety? Make that continued sobriety. Well, maybe it won’t work exactly as we had hoped or planned. Maybe, however, we will have learned something very valuable in the meantime. We cannot possibly go through rehab or treatment again without gleaning something positive from the experience. If we don’t, we aren’t putting ourselves wholeheartedly into the effort in the first place. Bottom line: if it doesn’t work, we just keep on trying until it does. We are getting stronger the more we learn. The more we learn, the more we grow. All of this will prove beneficial to our recovery and make our fresh start all the sweeter and precious.
No one believes in us, anyway. Ah, here is another comment striking hard of self-pity that many of us may be tempted to make. If we think no one believes in what we do, then we aren’t apt to believe that they are supportive of our recovery, either. It’s time to stop projecting our own feelings onto others and make some definite attempts to work on building up our self-esteem. We also need to take the time to participate in and really listen to what’s being said in the rooms of recovery, to work closer with our 12-step sponsor to iron out some of the difficulties we’ve been consistently having, and to create reasonable and realistic short-term goals that will help us begin to feel better about ourselves and our abilities.

Remember, we all fall down sometimes. The important thing to keep in mind is that we have two hands and two legs in order to climb back up and start fresh all over again. As long as we are committed to working our recovery, we will make progress. It may take some time, but we will get there.

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Take In Life With Deep Breaths

1/15/2015

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“He lives most life whoever breathes most air.” – Elizabeth Barrett Browning, one of the most prominent poets of the Victorian era (1806-1861)

When we’re in recovery, we don’t often think much about taking deep breaths, do we? We might, of course, if we’re doing preparations for meditation or an exercise class or even conditioning for a recreational pursuit. But taking in life with deep breaths, what does that mean? Furthermore, how can it benefit us in recovery?

There is a lot of wisdom hidden in the quote from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, much more, in fact, that we might first believe. Let’s look at it a bit further and see where it takes us.

What we know for a fact is that we’ve felt constricted and found it hard to breathe at times, right? Whether this was due to shame or guilt or a welling up of emotions or letting out the pain, the end result wasn’t all that pleasant. It hurt and we wanted that pain to go away. Over time, while we may have learned effective coping mechanisms to deal with particular issues or problems, we still may not have gotten past that shallow breathing we’d become used to.

Life is more than just merely existing. We know that, but we still don’t fully appreciate the precious gift we have been given. Now that we are clean and sober, we have incredible and unlimited opportunities to avail ourselves of, to literally turn our lives around and create for ourselves the future we truly want.

First, we have to learn how to breathe in life deeply. That’s right. We need to train ourselves to take in deep and slow breaths that fill us with more than just oxygen. These deep breaths fill us with hope and optimism and jumpstart our creativity, inspire us to do more, to persevere and share our thoughts and dreams with those we love and care about.

What is it that we dream about when we sit in silence and allow our thoughts to roam? What image do we conjure up when someone asks us what it is that we want out of life now that we’re sober? If we cannot come up with anything, it’s time to start deep breathing. With each intake of oxygen, visualize being in a beautiful, quiet and peaceful place. Think of ourselves as receptacles of precious jewels, glittering and glowing for all to see, radiating a brilliance and warmness that makes us feel loved and appreciated.

Sound far-fetched? This is just an exercise to get us thinking about the goodness and riches in life – and not the material kind. What we have before us is uncharted territory. None of us knows precisely the path we’re going to take in the long-term. But we can make plans and begin to implement them, based on what we believe is important to us today and our desires for what we want for ourselves tomorrow.

In practical terms, how do we take in life with deep breaths? Starting with waking up, breathe in and out deeply for a few minutes. Do a few stretching exercises. Take our time with our morning coffee and linger over breakfast. Make the time to share a warm caress and expression of love to our spouse or partner. Be kind in our words and envision the day ahead with positive thoughts.

On the road to work or school or elsewhere, breathe in the vibrancy of life around us: the other living beings occupying the planet, the exquisiteness of nature, the sweet laughter of children on the playground as we pass by, the nostalgia of our favorite songs playing on the radio, the refreshing feel of the breeze blowing through the open window.

At work or at school or elsewhere, take a breath before speaking, giving ourselves time to think about what we are going to say. This will help us construct a more positive and thoughtful comment rather than blurting out whatever comes to mind. Listen to others, giving ourselves time to breathe while we absorb what they are saying. This helps us be kind to others in word and in deed and also helps us to appreciate the moment.

At the 12-step meetings we attend on a regular basis, go out of our way to extend a welcome to newcomers just entering the rooms of recovery. We recognize their hesitancy and fear, for we once felt the same way. As we approach to offer a kind word, breathe in this opportunity to give back to others, to share the goodness that we have been given, and to possibly be a good example to someone who needs it most.

Taking in life with deep breaths doesn’t mean going to extremes in anything. But it does mean keeping all our options open, including having an open mind and being willing to see all sides without prejudgment or criticism. There is so much that life has to offer us that we need to be clear-headed and open to the possibilities that we may encounter. What may not at first look like an opportunity could very well turn out to be a magnificent and fortuitous one that we might otherwise not give a second thought.

Dream big, make plans, and take the time to implement them. Revise goals as necessary, always keeping in mind that as we learn new things, we grow. Our goals will change over time as we accumulate knowledge and experience, as we make new friends and involve ourselves in different activities.

There is nothing that is stipulated or cast in stone. What we want for our life in sobriety is going to be up to us to determine. Why limit ourselves when the world is so vast and offers so much choice? The deep breaths we take can help us savor the richness of life, its preciousness, its variety and scope. The more we learn, the more we’re equipped to appreciate the infinite possibilities that life has to offer.

All we need to do is give ourselves permission to take in those deep breaths, to allow the goodness and serenity and feelings of self-confidence and hope to come flooding in. That’s really the start of it, how we begin to live well in recovery.

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Sometimes You Just Need to Keep on Fighting

1/8/2015

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"What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight – it’s the size of the fight in the dog." – Dwight D. Eisenhower, 34th President of the United States, serving from 1953 to 1961, concluded negotiations with China to end the Korean war, launched New Look policy of nuclear deterrence, began NASA to compete against the Soviet Union in the space race (1890-1969)

Sometimes size matters and sometimes it doesn’t. When we’re discussing recovery, there are several interesting aspects about size to consider.

First, it doesn’t matter a bit how big we are, except how big in spirit we are. Our physical dimensions are really irrelevant to the subject of recovery. Whether we are a strapping six-foot four-inch man or a diminutive four-foot one-inch woman, or tall and large, tall or large, short and small, or short and large, our recovery prospects have nothing to do with our size. They also have nothing to do with our shape, but that’s still more or less part of the size dimension.

Our spirit, however, is a different story. When we are small in spirit, we’re likely picky and petty, prone to making quick decisions and of harboring a grudge. Granted, not everyone will have these characteristics, but being small in spirit is a rather limiting factor with respect to our recovery. Why? When we think small, that is, we don’t give others the benefit of the doubt, when we’re envious and lash out with a critical or biting remark, or when we simply refuse to recognize what others have to say because we believe that what they have to offer is meaningless to us or we simply don’t want to hear anything that contradicts our world-view, we’re putting ourselves in a narrow and somewhat restricted space that doesn’t allow for much growth in recovery.

On the other hand, where size does matter, and matter a lot, is how much fight we have in us. This doesn’t refer to fighting in the sense of initiating or participating in physical combat with another individual. The fight we’re talking about is our determination and resolve and persistence and dedication to sticking to a task, of not giving up on a challenge and refusing to tuck our tail between our legs and retreat in the face of an obstacle.

It is amazing how much fight we actually have, if we gear ourselves toward adopting that mind-set. We can actually train ourselves to continue fighting, even if it is not in our nature to do so. In fact, much of what we likely learned during rehab can be construed as a preparation to learn how to fight.

We are all in a fight to maintain our sobriety, to learn new and effective strategies and to identify solutions that will be workable for the problems and issues and challenges we face. Some of the hurdles that we need to overcome are fairly formidable. Some may even seem insurmountable. We may be tempted to give up. That’s the natural inclination. But that’s not what gets us through the tough times. Giving up is akin to giving in. It’s relinquishing our power over our actions and copping to the excuse that whatever it was we faced was just too difficult for us.

We need to always have the fighting instinct when it comes to our recovery. We simply cannot give up and give in, taking the easy way out. It isn’t someone else’s job to do our work for us. Frankly, they can’t. They’re too busy doing their own recovery work, as they should. No, it’s up to us to tend to our own affairs, to get off the dime and take the required actions to help strengthen our foundation in sobriety.

This does not mean, however, that we figure everything out on our own. That would be like the fox let into the henhouse. We’d be all over the place, doing our own thing and casting a wide swath of self-destruction along the way. What we do have to help us is our support network, including our sponsor and fellow group members, our loving family and close friends. While they cannot do our work for us, they can be there to support and encourage us every step of the way, particularly when we encounter formidable obstacles and challenges that could jeopardize our sobriety.

How do we ensure that we have sufficient fighting instinct? Can we train ourselves to be ready to stand up for what we believe, to persist in the face of failure or lack of progress, to go back time and time again until we achieve success? The answer is that of course we can. But it isn’t necessarily going to be easy. In fact, developing the will and determination to see difficult tasks through takes time and a great deal of practice. We’re not going to get it right the first time, but hopefully we will learn something that will help us the next time.

As with anything else facing us in recovery, the way to succeed is to take action and to keep on working to the best of our ability. If we give it everything we’ve got, we’re already taking the right step. At least we’re headed in the right direction. Recognizing that we have much more to learn will also help temper any minor disappointments or slight setbacks along the way.

The thing is that we don’t have a crystal ball. We have absolutely no idea what issues or challenges or obstacles we’ll encounter next week or next month or two to five years from now. But what we can do is work hard on developing our strengths and perfecting our skills, filling out our recovery toolkit with effective and workable strategies and solutions that we can use when we need them. As in, we pull them out and figure out which is the best one to use when we face a new challenge, when we have to marshal our fighting instinct to pursue despite difficulties.

We can be a big dog in the fight, if we choose to be. This means never giving up, never giving in, never saying to ourselves that we don’t have what it takes and can never succeed. We can and we will, as long as we have a lot of fight in us.

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Why Honesty Is So Important in Recovery

Fall Down, Then Get Up Again

Take In Life With Deep Breaths

Sometimes You Just Need to Keep on Fighting

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