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Self-Pity: It’s Not Your Friend

7/21/2014

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“Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.” – Helen Keller, American author, political activist, and lecturer, the first deaf blind person to earn a Bachelor of Arts degree, went on to inspire millions, depicted in The Miracle Worker (1880-1968)

It’s natural to sometimes feel sorry for ourselves, being that we’re occasionally going to experience some disappointments or setbacks in life. Why is it, then, that so many of us in recovery seem to get hung up on the emotion – at least now and then – and are subsequently a little bit reluctant to move out of our self-centered state?

Granted, most of us don’t have all that much difficulty with feeling sorry for ourselves. It may come and go, mostly without incident. Others, however, may tend to dwell just a little too long on the why’s and wherefore’s and why not’s and never quite get around to the actual remedy for self-pity, which is going out and doing something.

The truth is that we’re all equally capable of either feeling a moment of self-pity or getting stuck in it. The reason why most of us don’t remain stuck for too long is that we pull ourselves out of our morose thoughts and get busy doing the work of recovery.

In action, we don’t have the time for fixations on how bad we’ve got things, how much we’ve been wronged, why like has treated us so badly, who has caused us harm or had it out for us and more useless thoughts along those lines.

When we are busy, we have to keep our wits about us. Especially if we’re involved in an activity or task that demands our full concentration, it certainly wouldn’t do for our minds to be wandering or thinking up excuses for why we’re not accomplishing anything.

Well, we could allow our emotions to rule the day, to give in and let self-pity wash all over us, but then what would be the likely result? Generally speaking, it wouldn’t be all that good. If there is a good time for feeling self-pity, it’s probably when we aren’t tasked with a duty or engaged in an activity that requires a certain amount of productivity or results, as in our job, taking care of our children, driving a motor vehicle, performing an exacting skill such as welding or tree-trimming, or the like.

But there’s actually another very good reason to rid ourselves of the tendency to indulge in self-pity and that is that it can become a way of life. When we look for excuses to get us out of doing what we know we need to do, it’s a short journey to using such excuses for reasons not to go after things that we tell ourselves we really want. In other words, we close the curtain on our hopes and dreams, literally creating a black wall that keeps us further isolated and relegated to our constant churning of self-piteous thoughts.

This can also be bad for our physical health, not to mention stifling our creativity, jamming up our other emotions that are healthy and should be nurtured.

Suppose we want to overcome the habit of feeling sorry for ourselves? What can we do? Here are some suggestions:

  • Recognize self-pity when it comes calling. It really isn’t that tough to identify. It’s when we start to feel like we’ve been wronged, hurt, that our chances have been minimized, that others have it better than we do, that we never seem to do anything right, that our chances for success are limited, and so on.
  • Get busy taking some action. Once we know how to identify self-pity when it strikes or wants to take over our thoughts, have a list of actions that we can take immediately to help make it disappear. These should be actions that are readily available, don’t require a great deal of thought, and can be started almost anywhere, at anytime. Go for a walk. Rearrange the cupboards. Call a friend. Go to a 12-step meeting. Make a list of goals we want to achieve. As with strategies for overcoming cravings, getting ourselves out of a self-pity state of mind requires us to do something, not just sit around indulging in the emotion.
  • Talk over workable solutions with our network. Undoubtedly there are others we know in the rooms of recovery who have also struggled with and learned how to overcome self-pity. Take the time to have a conversation with them about what worked best for them in getting past the self-destructive emotion. Adapt and modify their tips and techniques to suit our own circumstances until we arrive at what works well for us.
  • Write down our feelings. Keeping a journal of what we’re feeling and when we feel it, as well as noting what situation or circumstance seemed to lead up to the feeling is often helpful in learning how to overcome it. It may not feel like it while we’re doing it, but later on, when we look back over our journal and reread what we’ve written, along with the subsequent entries on what we’ve done to overcome obstacles and hurdles in recovery, we’ll be able to see that we’ve been able to make substantial progress. This will serve to remind us that we can undertake difficult tasks and get past problems and issues with concerted effort, determination, hope and the support of our network of 12-step sponsor, fellow group me  vmbers, our loved ones and family members.
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How to Put Fear at Rest

7/14/2014

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Let’s face it. We all have fear at some point in our lives. We are, after all, human beings, and fear is an emotional response that is part of our nature. But it is also true that we have the capacity to overcome fear, to act in spite of fear, and to learn how to use fear as a motivation to strive toward achievement of our goals.

Looking back at our first few days of recovery, when we were free of drugs or alcohol for perhaps the first time in many months or years, we undoubtedly experienced a rush of fear. Sometimes it may have seemed like the cloud of fear clung to us, became a part of us, and put a big block wall in front of any hopes we may have had of maintaining our sobriety or pushing forward with our goals.

Indeed, we may have been so fearful that we had no goals. So many of us ran up against this formidable wall of fear that we felt hopeless, helpless, confused and worthless. That’s what fear does to us. It makes us feel as if we’re not worthy or deserving of happiness, that we don’t have what it takes to embrace opportunities, to face challenges, even to live in peace and serenity.

How did we ever move past fear? When we experience the shiver of fear today, what strategy do we employ to get past it? Likely as not, we’ve adopted and adapted techniques we’ve heard about in the rooms or from our sponsor. For many, this is a process of trial and error. What worked yesterday may not work today, or it may only work for minor fear and not fear of the paralyzing kind.

The key to successfully overcoming fear, however, lies not in what we do, but the fact that we do it. Once we have found an effective way to counterbalance fear and take action according to our recovery plan, we are on the right path toward defeating fear completely. Not that we will never be temporarily visited by fear, but we won’t be stopped in our tracks by it, either.

The admonition that we should face our fear in order to overcome it makes a lot of sense. Many times, if we are being honest with ourselves, what we feared most in the past didn’t turn out to be so overpowering after all. We often exaggerate the consequences of what we’re most afraid of, giving it more power than it deserves. In fact, we have all the power. We can look fear in the face, acknowledge the emotion, and then proceed with our action plan in accordance with the goals we’ve set for ourselves.

Yes, it takes practice. No, we won’t become expert at giving fear the heave-ho immediately. But we can and we will learn how to defeat it if we allow ourselves to do so and then take action. Look at it this way. We can see fear at the entrance to a garden and tremble to the point where we never walk through the gate to what’s on the other side. Or we can take a deep breath, recognize that fear is only temporary and isn’t a real barrier, and put one foot in front of the other and stride right through that gate.

When we look around, we see that fear was nothing more than a passing cloud, whisked away by the wind of our forward momentum. Overcoming fear, by the way, is courage in action. And each and every one of us is capable of challenging and surmounting any fear that seeks to waylay us and jeopardize our recovery.


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Steps to overcoming an addiction

7/7/2014

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Ways To Overcome Addiction

Are you interested in overcoming an addiction? Are you capable of treating addiction at home?  In general, many addicts have a difficult time in dealing with life. Emotional pain in addiction recovery can be present.  And the fears and anxieties of a newly sober person can drive them back to addictive behaviors.

Here are a few suggestions on how an addict can overcome fears, anxieties, and depression as a first step to overcoming an addiction. We invite your ideas, questions and feedback about how to let go of anger, fear and resentment at the end.

1. Beat stress

Sometimes we get stressed out when everything happens all at once. When this happens, a person should take a deep breath and try to find something to do for a few minutes to get their mind off of the problem. A person could get some fresh air, listen to some music, or do an activity that will give them a fresh perspective on things.

2. Distract yourself

Some addicts get depressed and have a difficult time getting out of bed in the mornings. When this happens, a person should take a deep breath and try to find something to do to get their mind off of the problem. A person could take a walk, listen to some music, read the newspaper or do an activity that will give them a fresh perspective on things. Doing something will get your mind off of the problem and give you confidence to do other things.

3. Visualize success

Sometimes, we can get depressed over a task that we will have to perform in the near future. When this happens, visualize yourself doing the task in your mind. For instance, you and your team have to play in the championship volleyball game in front of a large group of people in the next few days. Before the big day comes, imagine yourself playing the game in your mind. Imagine that your playing in front of a large audience. By playing the game in your mind, you will be better prepared to perform for real when the time comes. Self-Visualization is a great way to reduce the fear and stress of a coming situation.

4. Keep a journal

Another technique that is very helpful is to have a small notebook of positive statements that makes you feel good. Whenever you come across an affirmation that makes you feel good, write it down in a small notebook that you can carry around with you in your pocket. Whenever you feel depressed or frustrated, open up your small notebook and read those statements. This will help to manage your negative thinking.

5. Talk to a professional

Take advantage of the help that is available around you. If possible, talk to a professional who can help you manage your depression and anxieties. They will be able to provide you with additional advice and insights on how to deal with your current problem. By talking to a professional, a person will be helping themselves in the long run because they will become better able to deal with their problems in the future.

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