By: Beth Burgess
http://alcohol.addictionblog.org/early-recovery-tips-6-lessons-for-early-recovery/

Looking for a strong recovery from addictions? Here are 6 lessons to help you stay sober and make your recovery more successful. An especially useful article for those new to sobriety or those seekingtips for addicts in recovery. Your questions and comments about recovery, recovery from relapse, or its prevention are welcomed at the end.

1. Recovery Is Number One

It seems fitting that the very first thing to learn about recovering from addiction is that recovery must be your very first priority in life. Recovery comes before your job, your parents, your pet or your partner. Why? It’s very simple. If you don’t take care of your recovery at all times, you risk returning to addiction. If you return to addiction and stay there, you will end up losing your job, your parents, your pet and your partner anyway. Whatever else is a part of your life, or whoever else shares in it, staying sober is the one thing that must stay constant. Give it all you’ve got.

2. Recovery Gets Easier

One of the reasons people find it difficult to commit to sobriety is that the first few weeks and months of it are often hellish. If you’ve never been sober for any appreciable length of time, facing life without a cosy alcohol or drug overcoat can seem overwhelming and painful. The good news is, this feeling does not last. As you learn to live sober, it actually becomes a much nicer experience than being wasted all the time. The initial discomfort, confusion and sadness does not last for the rest of sobriety. Remember that before you jack it in due to difficult feelings.

3. Recovery Takes Work

Do not make the mistake that I did the first time around, and think that recovery comes from merely stopping drinking or drugging. If you just stop taking substances and do nothing to address what drove you to take them in the first place, you’ll just be sober and sad, rather than recovered. Coping with guilt and shame in recovery will be feelings you’ll have to deal with.  You’ll also be likely to follow the same negative thinking and patterns you always have in the past — and that unhappy situation will inevitably lead you back to drink and drugs. You must make an effort to change your responses to life in order to be sober and happy. See a therapist, read books on recovery, do the 12 Steps, work on your spiritual side. Whatever works to help you deal with life more healthily.

4. Recovery Takes Other People

You can, of course, get sober on your own, but it’s so much more of a struggle than getting supported by others. Connecting with others who are also recovering from addiction is of great benefit to your own recovery. You can learn from people who have already done it, you can share your pain and success, and people who have been addicts will probably “get” you much more than people who haven’t. People who know the cycle of addiction can give you a deep empathy, understanding and acceptance that is priceless. You may also need some specialist help from professionals. Choose a non-judgemental addiction specialist to help you heal your emotional wounds.

5. Recovery Is A Lifelong Process

The work of recovering is never complete, so it is something that you must be prepared to commit to for the rest of your life. The reason for this is that, through addiction, your brain has changed. You now have a negative neural pathway in your brain that is begging to be dosed with alcohol or drugs. In order to beat this pattern, you have to build a new, positive pathway to override it. But your natural inclination will now be to go down that long-established pathway; so you’ll need to keep reinforcing that positive pathway to ensure you don’t relapse. Keep learning, keep improving and never get complacent about your recovery.

6. Recovery Is Worth It

If all of the above seems a little serious, don’t despair. The good news is that when you do the right things to recover correctly, it’s a beautiful path in life. Recovery can lead you to new insights, self-discoveries and a fresh outlook on life. You will learn some things that you might never have learnt if you hadn’t ever been down the dark path of addiction. Recovery is extremely liberating and a lot of fun. Remember the rules of recovery, and you can have a full and happy life after addiction. Recovery is wonderful — hang onto that if things are tough in the early days.


By: Beth Burgess

Blaming others can get in the way of our spiritual development and relationship with a Higher Power. But how can we heal resentment? And what are the signs that we are full of it?  More here on surrender in addiction recovery, with a section at the end for your questions and comments.

STEP FOUR:

“[We] made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

KEY FOUR:

“Through my absolute surrender and conscious connection to the One Power and Presence, I courageously, deeply and gently search within myself for all thought patterns and behaviors that are out of alignment with love, integrity, harmony and order.”

What’s Your Story? Here’s Mine…

I was so resentful of Mark, The guy who was out sleeping with another woman while I sat on his front porch at 3 AM waiting for him to come home; the guy I once went to jail for after defending myself from his physical abuse; the guy I made my daughter sleep on the couch for, while he slept in the bed with me; the one who constantly cheated on me. Yup, I was pretty pissed off at him and all the other Marks I had totally given my power to.

I thought all men were dogs, and I thought I was only worthy of men that were dogs—so guess what type of men I kept attracting in my life?

No mystery there.

The blame, hate and resentment I felt towards my mother was lodged solidly in my heart. I resented her for not wanting or loving me, for abusing me emotionally and physically, and for treating me as if the sole purpose of my existence was to be an object for her mistreatment. As far as I was concerned, she was the cause of all my shame, feelings of unworthiness, of being unloved and unwanted. It was all her fault, and I was going to make her pay by hating her for as long as I could.

I resented my father, who adored me but would not stand up to my mother when she was beating the crap out of me or embarrassing me in front of my friends. Then I felt guilty for resenting the only parent who ever showed me love.

I was resentful of my daughter for being born while I was still a child myself. I wanted to have sex at sixteen years old, not get pregnant for God’s sake. But at sixteen that’s what I was: pregnant, seventy-five pounds overweight, abandoned by my baby’s father, constantly running away from home to wander the streets in the unforgiving summer heat of New York.

I blamed her for my guilt because I couldn’t be a good mother. I blamed her because I was expected to be a mother before I was ready. I blamed her for forcing me to look at how screwed up I was.

Did I mentioned terrified? Yeah, I was terrified.

On and on it went. I was mad at the world, for the world had not treated me fairly. Everybody was wrong—except me.

I thought for years that if I didn’t have the mother I had, I wouldn’t have been so screwed up. If I had boyfriends that were true and honest, I’d have felt loved. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant at sixteen, I’d get to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. These mental chains held me in a self-imposed prison until I decided to set myself free through forgiveness and taking responsibility for the part I played in my own life.

Rewriting The “Victim” Story

Turning my will and entire life over to the care of a loving, all-powerful God gave me the courage to look at all this debris hanging out in my head, heart and soul. I felt an immediate shift as soon as I began writing my “victim story” about how people had screwed me over. I was blown away when I realized that my ego (the part of myself fighting for its survival) had made others accountable for my well-being. Writing it down transferred the garbage that was weighing me down out of my head and onto the paper where I could see it more clearly.

In order to see things the way they really were, I had to develop a willingness to face the truth and a level of honesty I didn’t even know I possessed.

I found out that I was a very wounded and frightened young lady—and I had acted out of those wounds and fears most of my life. I realized that I wasn’t totally blameless for how messed up my life had become. I saw the part I played, knowingly or unknowingly, in a lot of situations. I saw how my belief in my own victimhood allowed me to stay a victim.

It wasn’t easy to do this work. I wanted to keep hating my mother and blaming the men in my life for the way things had turned out. Blame was something I was used to. It was a familiar feeling.

Releasing Blame Is The Path To Freedom

I used blame as a lens through which I related to the world. It allowed me to be right, by holding onto my memories of the very real—and not so real—injustices that were perpetrated upon me. I’m not saying that people who abused me acted appropriately in any way. But there were times when I either placed myself in a position to be hurt, I held onto the hurt, or I felt like a victim because of another’s need to take care of themselves instead of taking care of me. Blame allowed me to avoid looking at issues that I did actually have some control over—issues that I was just not ready to address yet.

But holding onto blame and resentment did not get me a better life.

Releasing it did.

How Do You Know When You Still Resent Others?

There is truth for us all in Bill Wilson’s quote from the Big Book: “For alcoholics, resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.” Step Four is where you set out on a course of vigorous action by doing a deep, thorough “resentment-forgiveness” process. Resentment is the remembering, re-telling and re-living of a painful event, even when the event is securely in the past. If you’re honest with yourself, the blame, stories and resentments you’re currently holding onto may have happened yesterday, twenty years ago, maybe even longer—yet you’re still reliving them.

How can you tell when you’re still living in resentment? The person you have a story about is not allowed safe passage through your awareness when you think of them. Your body does an involuntary jig, where you have sort of a clenching sensation in your gut when you think of the circumstances associated with that person. No matter how much you tell yourself you have forgiven, your spirit can’t embody the lie, and it reacts in your body when you think of that person or situation that caused you pain.

Why is it so difficult to release resentment? I believe it’s because you cannot forgive the effect until you’ve healed the cause. The cause of your pain is not “out there.” It’s within your own core beliefs and wounded perceptions, which then get projected onto others. Those “others” then mirror back to you the false beliefs you hold about yourself.

How To Resolve Blame And Resentment

You can tell when you’re tuned into a negative channel, because you’re pissed off, miserable and full of fear. You could even suffer from physical exhaustion because the frequency of that channel acts as weights upon your body, mind and soul, causing feelings of hopelessness, depression and ill health. This is why it is so important to heal core wounds, transform your story from victimhood to wholeness, and release blaming your state-of-being on anything or anyone—including yourself. You must forgive in order to be in alignment with your highest good—or your highest vibration.

Spirit cannot and will not contradict its own nature to meet you in a state of victimhood, so we must raise our vibration by tuning into the highest frequency we can find in order to meet the fullness of the Divine Presence

The “7 R’s” Of Recovering From RelapseWhen you’re trying to recover from alcoholism or drug addiction, relapsing is often part of the process. The reasons why relapse occurs can vary. While relapse may not be desirable, it is understandable. After all, many addicts have spent years devoted to their addiction, and not so long learning how to recover.

Using drink or drugs again does not have to be the end of the world, if you know how to how to get back on track quickly. You can use your experience of relapse as a springboard to an even more successful recovery, by using the 7 “R’s.” Read on for more here. Then, we invite your questions about relapse or practical relapse prevention strategies at the end.

1. RegroupIf you’ve relapsed, you may be tempted to curse at yourself, call yourself names, or tell yourself stories, like “I can’t do this after all.” These are things that will get you headed straight back on the path to addiction.

Guilt, shame, and beating yourself up will only wear down your resilience — no-one can cope with such bullying for very long. Above all, it’s time to regroup, not to attack yourself. A mistake does not mean you are destined to fail for the rest of your life. It’s just a sign that more needs to be learnt, and done, to make your recovery stronger.

Speak to yourself kindly and supportively, as you might do to a friend who had just relapsed or undergone some difficulty. Tell yourself “I am strong enough to come through this” or “I have got clean and sober before, and I can do it again.” Have faith that things will come good again, if you do the right things.

2. Reach Out
As much as you may feel embarrassed and ashamed about relapsing, now is not the time to hide away feeling sorry for yourself — or getting deeper into your addiction.

People who relapse can remain stuck in their addiction for some time, because they feel too guilty to admit the truth and ask for more help. But reaching out to others is vital at this stage, because becoming isolated or dwelling in shame will only make another relapse more likely.

It is important to reach out to the right people to get back on track with your recovery. Gather sober, understanding people around you, go to a fellowship group for more support, or visit a professional who specialises in addiction recovery.

3. Recommit To RecoveryMake yourself a sincere promise that you will go to any lengths to get your recovery back on track, so that you can use your relapse as a source of strength rather than a black mark on your sobriety.

Make a list of all the great things you enjoyed about your life clean and sober, whether that was having a clearer head, gaining back your self-respect, or making others proud of you. Make a list of all the things you truly hate about drinking and drugging, from the cash you have to spend on it, to the fact that a substance is effectively taking charge of your life.

Decide right now that whatever work is involved to recover from your relapse and gain back your freedom is absolutely worth it.

4. Realise Where You Went WrongThe wonderful thing about making mistakes is that you can learn from them. Human beings are learning machines, and failure is often our greatest teacher. If you know what caused you to relapse on drink or drugs, you’ll know what needs addressing to make your recovery stronger.

There will always be a reason that your addiction reared its head again. Make a flow chart of how your relapse happened, identifying all the events leading up to it. Look at how your emotions and behaviours may have led to picking up a drink or drugs again.

You may notice that an outside event caused you stress and difficulty, precipitating a relapse, but actually it was never the event itself that caused you to return to your addiction; it would have been your reaction to an event. A relationship breakdown, job loss or bereavement does not force a drink or drug into your hand. Negative thinking and unhelpful coping strategies for dealing with stress are the real things that cause relapse.

5. Redouble Your EffortsFailing to plan is like planning to fail. Make a realistic and healthy plan for how you would cope with whatever triggered your relapse, if something similar happened again. Should you have a relapse prevention plan? Absolutely. It is really important that you give this some serious thought.

Don’t make a plan which relies too much on other people to save you — you must learn to rely on your own internal resources, too, so that you are equipped to deal with any, and all, triggers in life. The only thing that is permanent in your life is you, so you need to be able to deal with problems alone.

That is not to say that you shouldn’t seek support from others. In fact, that’s a great thing to do. But if you’re away from your support group, or it’s 4am, and the drink or drugs are calling, you need to be in a position to fend off a relapse as well.

6. Reach For More ResourcesIf you don’t think that you do have to ability to go it alone when faced with problems that may challenge your sobriety, then it’s time to pick up more tools to help you cope with life.

Learn some more about how to develop healthy thinking and resilience. Read some new books, grab some more tools, and begin to grow again. Try some things you never considered before that might be a good fit to make your recovery stronger.

Some people in recovery swear by yoga, mindfulness, or other meditation. Some use creativity to express their pain better, by writing, drawing or painting. Others turn to therapeutic tools to learn how to live happily and healthily.

7. Redirect Your RecoverySome people are baffled about why they relapsed, thinking that they were doing everything right. If it seems to you that your relapse came out of the blue, then maybe it’s time to redirect your recovery, and your life.

If healthy thinking and a positive attitude could not protect you from relapsing, then you may have reached an “impasse” in recovery, meaning that it’s time to take it to the next level. You need to start doing things that really fulfil you, and that match up with your greater values.

Understanding the purpose of your life, and how you fit into the world can help prevent another relapse. Seeking out spiritual tools can do wonders for your individual development. When your life has a greater meaning, and you understand how the world works with you in it, your recovery can reach new strengths.

About the Author: Beth Burgess is a solution-focused therapist and coach specialising in addiction recovery. She is the author of two books on addiction: “The Recovery Formula: An Addict’s Guide to getting Clean and Sober Forever” and “The Happy Addict: How to be Happy in Recovery from Alcoholism or Drug Addiction.” Beth specialises in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Mindfulness, Recovery Coaching, and NLP — and works with clients privately in London, and internationally via Skype.

Photo Credit: cocoparisienne