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How to love an addict without enabling

6/18/2015

24 Comments

 
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The Up And Downside Of Truth

“There is almost nothing outside of you that will help in any kind of lasting way, unless you are waiting for an organ. This is the most horrible truth.” – Ann Lamott

This truth also can be the most liberating. But you must first come to accept that you can’t fix anyone no matter how much you love and cherish them. And when that loved one abuses alcohol and/or illegal drugs, focusing inside yourself rather than outside on your loved one’s problems is a challenge.

In this article, we briefly review the main traps that family and friends of addicts can fall into when it comes to loving someone who is chemically addicted to alcohol or drugs. What’s the antidote to these traps? Dig in and do the work…on YOURSELF.

More On Worrying

When you love or care for an addict, worry and “what if” become constant companions.

  • What if he loses his job?
  • What if she can’t take care of her kids?
  • What if he lands in jail or prison?
  • What if he kills someone in an auto accident?
  • And worst of all, what if he dies from a drug overdose or the cumulative effects of alcoholism?
This fear is not unfounded. According to the Center for Disease Control, overdose deaths more than doubled from 1999 to 2012. In 2012 alone, there were 41,502 drug overdose deaths, of which 16,007 involved analgesics and 5,925 from heroin.

To put it another way, consider this. One person (often young) dies every 4 minutes from alcohol or other drug related problems. That’s 15 every hour or 360 every day. This is equivalent to a jumbo jet falling from the sky with no survivors every day of the year.

Enabling: Well Intentioned But Misguided

However, our worries and “What ifs” cause us to rush in and assume responsibility for our loved one’s destructive behavior. It’s called enabling and it’s a stinker. I read somewhere that addicts crave enabling like plants need water. We enable because we want to protect our loved ones. We enable because we don’t want our family to be disgraced. We enable because we don’t know what else to do. We enable because we don’t want our husband, wife, daughter or son to become another fatal statistic.

Although misguided, our actions are well-intended. After all, family and friends help one another when a member is in need. However, if our loved ones have any chance of recovery, we must get out of their way and let them take responsibility for their behavior. Enabling is not helping! We need to move the spotlight from them and shine it directly at us. To take a long, hard look inside ourselves, even when we don’t like what we see. “This is the most horrible truth.”

Accepting this horrible truth was a challenge when my adult son was abusing drugs. A loving mom, I enabled, big time. When my son stole money from me, I ignored it. When his checks bounced, I covered them. When he landed in jail, I bailed him out. And when the phone rang in the middle of the night, my heart raced.

No amount of nagging, preaching, begging, or threatening, worked. Finally, when I had enough, I went to my first twelve-step meeting and was told flat out, “This program is about you, not about your loved one.” Say what? How can this be? I was there to learn how to fix my son. I didn’t need fixing. He did.

Digging In

Turns out that nothing changed until I decided to dig deep inside myself. To toss aside my “God suit” and face the naked truth that I was the one who needed fixing. (More here on tools of codependence recovery.)

During a support group meeting, someone said, “All you have to do is to be willing.” To be willing to make recovery a priority. To be willing to unearth unhealthy behavior. To be willing to abandon my pride and embrace humility. To be willing to admit my faults, fears, and frustrations.

I’ve learned that almost everything inside of me: my thoughts, actions, beliefs, and attitudes, determines how I live my life with all of its joys and sorrows. I have choices. I can choose to live in the grip of my loved one’s addiction or I can choose to become free. This is the most liberating truth.

Do You Love An Addict? Let Us Know…So, do you love an addict but can’t get free from worry or enabling patterns? Are you looking into how to address addiction and family issues? Please leave us a comment in the section below. We’ll do our best to respond to you personally and promptly. You are not alone.

Photo credit: leasqueaky
24 Comments
Linda Carr
6/22/2015 03:01:01 am

I have been struggling for 10 years with my daughter's addiction to drugs and more recently, alcohol. I have struggled to break free from the enabling aspect. She has moved back in with me and her children who I am currently raising and will be admitted to Buffalo Valley tomorrow. I need help dealing with her dependency and its effects on me and the children. They are 2 and 3 years old.

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Constancr
6/23/2015 12:47:12 pm

I know how you feel my daughter is 33 he's been using since she was 13 I live with her.and I am raising the two boys.they are six and three I hate them seeing there mother strung out. There know everything

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Liz Nahm
4/26/2018 01:58:26 pm

I hope you do not let her live with you unless she maintains sobriety for at least 6 months first. You are not doing those kids or your daughter any favors by supporting her drug use in the form of a place to crash. I've been sober 17 years. Enabling can kill people. Please go to Alanon.

Liz Nahm
4/26/2018 01:56:13 pm

Please do not let her live with you until she has been sober for 6 months. You need to look after those kids(or find a new solution) & she needs to take care of herself. Hard, but true. I've been sober 17 years. Enabling kills people.

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Heather
1/15/2016 10:07:57 am

My husband has been an addict to either prescription pills or alcohol since he was 16. He's been in and out of jail, lost his license and jobs. I do everything in my power to NOT enable him, but it is EXHAUSTING. I have to hide money so he doesn't take it out of my purse for his alcohol or drugs. Sometimes I even lie about having money and I hate doing that because know lying is wrong.
I've spoken with him about rehab countless times, but he refuses because he went as a teenager and never experienced any change. He's actually admitted he isn't ready to change now.
I am so sad and frustrated because I don't believe in divorce and I don't know how to live with an addict. At times it is scary and strange. I feel like all I can do is pray, but wonder what else can I do? I hate that our daughter has to live seeing this addiction and the desperate demanding behavior associated with it.

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Faith
5/9/2016 05:53:41 pm

I love with my bf and children he he is an alcoholic who went to rehab and came back stayed clean for a while but I think that's only because he has an interlock. He replaced alcohol with crack and when I caught him he swore he was gonna get help. He hasn't but he sleeps 24/7 when he is not working. He refuses to get out of bed and his boss and I are in contact to keep an eye out and do random drug tests. He is nasty or extremely emotional when he is awake. And I am ready to break. I want to stick it out till he gets sober but I don't know how long I can stay strong as I am not enabling him Alls we do is fight. Some days I just want to crack and baby him others I wanna run and never look back. But when I think of the good days it makes me want to stay. How do I stay strong for me and the kids.

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kas
9/22/2019 12:36:48 am

Hey I feel your pain..me and my husband separated for 9 months cause he cheated and while I was gone he got addicted to meth. For him to get clean properly, we packed up randomly, gave his older children to his family members and moved 5 hrs away from where we are from. He had to go to aa meetings to help him cope..he was very sick the first few weeks, slept and ate lollies continuously to help with the urges. It's been 10 months and so we went and celebrated my bday 2 nights ago, we took a acid trip and now He is in bed and won't speak to me or anything. I spoke to my dad and he thinks the cravings are back. I know when he's on it, because he gets really selfish angry and wants to have sex alot. I've been in that run away situation too. Right now I'm terrified he will go back as we have a 6 week old, 15 month old and a 3 yr old. our 3 yr old had seen to much and It was draining trying to get him off it. you just have to make sure you take a break when you need to cause man it is tiring! I left for 4 days before we moved away and he went on a bender from the moment I left til I picked him up and drove him to another city. I hope he finds the strength to stop, and I hope you look after you too. My thoughts, hopes and prayers are with you x

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Faith
5/9/2016 05:54:27 pm

I love with my bf and children he he is an alcoholic who went to rehab and came back stayed clean for a while but I think that's only because he has an interlock. He replaced alcohol with crack and when I caught him he swore he was gonna get help. He hasn't but he sleeps 24/7 when he is not working. He refuses to get out of bed and his boss and I are in contact to keep an eye out and do random drug tests. He is nasty or extremely emotional when he is awake. And I am ready to break. I want to stick it out till he gets sober but I don't know how long I can stay strong as I am not enabling him Alls we do is fight. Some days I just want to crack and baby him others I wanna run and never look back. But when I think of the good days it makes me want to stay. How do I stay strong for me and the kids?

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Jean Ann
6/23/2016 08:31:09 am

I live in fear of the telephone ringing. Heroin has taken the soul of my 27 year old daughter and the war is in the 8th year. She now is 7 months pregnant and without the father. Enabling? Yes, I'm guilty. How does a mother watch her pregnant daughter walk away into only God knows what?

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Lisa
7/12/2016 10:52:33 am

I have been enabling my friend of over 38 yrs in one way or another. In the past few yrs his alcohol addiction has almost killed him and I have "rescued" him. I am struggling b/c I gave him a choice of Rehab or move out. Then I had to get tough and push him out. I need reassurance that my tough love is right. I know it is and even if he dies I can't be responsible. But my head and my heart are struggling.

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Angela Marcotte
7/20/2016 02:45:55 pm

My son has been involved with Teen Challenge for 13 months and has been clean the whole time. His drugs of choice when he went in were opiates and heroin, but he would do other things to. He is now asking if I can put his car in my name so he can get cheaper insurance for when he gets home. I am proud of him, but I am also worried that his old habits will take over once he gets home, so I am not comfortable with this. My mind says I should not put the car and insurance in my name because he is the reason his rates will be high given the tickets and accidents, etc. he has been in and his credit rating. I am also letting him stay temporarily at my home while he finds a new job and gets a new place (so he does not go back to the place where all of this started and continued and around those same people). He will be paying me rent while he stays at my home. I don't want him to be angry with me, but I don't want to start being an enabler again either once he is home, and letting him manipulate me about money, etc. I also never did this for his two brothers who have never been in trouble, so it really is not fair to them. Honestly, he has really sucked a lot out of me the last 10 years emotionally and financially, and I do not want it to start up again. My heart wants to help, but my head says let him help himself with his car and insurance. . .

At a loss here. . .

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Angela Marcotte
7/20/2016 02:46:05 pm

My son has been involved with Teen Challenge for 13 months and has been clean the whole time. His drugs of choice when he went in were opiates and heroin, but he would do other things to. He is now asking if I can put his car in my name so he can get cheaper insurance for when he gets home. I am proud of him, but I am also worried that his old habits will take over once he gets home, so I am not comfortable with this. My mind says I should not put the car and insurance in my name because he is the reason his rates will be high given the tickets and accidents, etc. he has been in and his credit rating. I am also letting him stay temporarily at my home while he finds a new job and gets a new place (so he does not go back to the place where all of this started and continued and around those same people). He will be paying me rent while he stays at my home. I don't want him to be angry with me, but I don't want to start being an enabler again either once he is home, and letting him manipulate me about money, etc. I also never did this for his two brothers who have never been in trouble, so it really is not fair to them. Honestly, he has really sucked a lot out of me the last 10 years emotionally and financially, and I do not want it to start up again. My heart wants to help, but my head says let him help himself with his car and insurance. . .

At a loss here. . .

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Nancy Burton
1/29/2017 07:12:50 am

Just so you know from my situation you are wasting your time and you need help as I do..

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Deborah
10/11/2017 11:11:32 am

Hello did teen challenge help your son? I want to put my husband in that program

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Nancy Burton
1/29/2017 07:09:55 am

Our story is a long and very gripping story.. In the end it has been a waste of time, health & lots of money.. My son has buried him self over & over & we have paid the price... I am so sorry that he had ADHD & we didnt get it.. So he tried to fix himself.. He was such a hard worker.. Eagle Scout.. All State football player..very active in his church etc but now has lost all hope & lives on the streets... Please help us to survive out mistakes..worry..& health problems from this devastating reality...Thank you..

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Tara P
3/4/2017 01:31:44 am

The only answer to this puzzle lies with yourself - stop beating yourself up
Seek help from support groups to help you understand why enabling is so destructive
I know I can't fix my adult 24 year old son - remind him only he can do something about it when he is good and ready
This addiction in its 12th year
Heroin and opiates and other drugs and alcohol in 6th year
Enabling can be paying utilities can be lending money can be paying fines taxis buying food in fact anything where you do what the addict should be doing themselves in other words paying for normal day to day outlay
Certainly walk in their shoes- let them know u care and let them know ur prepared to help them get help if they really really want it
Let them know they are not alone
Remind them frequently it is their responsibility only as an adult to pay up for every day living just as it is yours to pay your way
Do not let your guard down for 1 minute- addicts are so very creative believable & clever- of course you want to be believe them and u don't want to see them suffer - but your only adding to the poison pot of addiction if you do
Do not let addiction destroy you - I was nearly I say nearly destroyed through worry but I am not destroyed
I do not feel guilty - I have done my utmost so have my family - to make him see sense
You cannot make an affict see sense - they only see sense when reality & consequences face them to finally re evaluate their existence
You need to be strong & reach out for help yourself

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Gail
4/9/2017 09:48:44 pm

I know I have been enabling my 23 year old son. I give him money,food & now he is using my car. He talks a good talk about how he knows he's an addict & he can stop. He says he got of of fyntenal by working on his own. He admits to still smoking pot. He is back in college & only has 33 hours to graduate. I want to believe in him but I know the truth in my head it's just making my heart believe it. I find it hard to tell him I need him to give me my car back &that I can no longer be giving him money. Deep down I'm scared to death he will end up in jail or worse dead. He has had very good jobs & had excuses as to why he quit. He was living w me but didn't want to be held accountable like we agreed so he up & moved in with a friend that I am sure smokes pot. He quit his part time job becz he says his classes & homework along w a job was too stressful. So I've been paying his rent. He sold his car but hasn't bought a different one & is using mine. Truth be known he doesn't even have the money anymore to buy another car. Tough love is hard to do but I know it's my only choice. He could have such a better life I just don't get it!! I've talked & talked to him. I just don't know how it got to be this way.

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Brenda lehmer
4/22/2017 08:38:25 pm

I really feel like I have failed my other kids and done way too much for my addict. I know I have a deep rooted problem with not wanting him to die. I have had so much to deal with these past 5 years it's hard to even wrap my head around it. It's a very long story so will tell the worst. My son lived with my husband and I and did the drugs underneath our noses so that was the beginning of me enabling him so it kept continuing a nd then my husband was killed in an accident and he still was doing drugs then went to rehab and got out and he's living army friends house but can't keep a job so I keep giving him money to live. I have to find a way to let him figure things out on his own.

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Sammie Ladd
7/13/2017 07:29:51 pm

I know exactly how you feel. My 27 year old daughter has been addicted to opiates since the age of 14. It is so hard: the guilt, the blaming yourself, the hopeless feeling. I have to other children and I feel like my daughter'so addiction has taken way to much of my energy and time away from them. My daughter now has a 1 year old daughter who is in the custody of her other grandmother. I get her several days a week to help out when I can. She was born 2 months early but measured like a baby much more premature. I just don't understand why my daughter doesn't change for the sake of her child. I have so many mixed emotions where she is concerned. She says she is ready to go to rehab but she doesn't have insurance and I don't know where to turn to get her help.

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Yvonne MartineZ
5/21/2017 07:25:14 pm

My girlfriend continue to do drugs illegal drugs and she says that it helps her pain. She chooses to be away from me because I b**** at her about it I feel that I can give her that feeling that she needs I'm there for everything that she needs and wants and help her through it all and I just don't know what to do anymore. I love her so much and I feel that if I pulled away from her and leave her to her own destiny it will just get worse and not better and I don't know what to do anymore I beat myself up and down about it. She's pulled away from me and doesn't want to see me because she has says that she needs to do this on her own I just don't know how to be away from her and not help her. I don't want to see her go down this path. She's already lost her job and possibly go to prison I need to know in which way I can help her please and help myself at the same time.

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Hollie
1/13/2018 12:49:57 pm

I was dating an addict. Before learning of his addiction I allowed him to move in with me and my children. He was great around my children but awful with me. He was mean, and emotionally abusice. Soon learned he smoked weed very often. Then learned he used cocaine and meth. He was high one night and sexually assaulted me. He didn’t work, and when he had work would lie and say he was sick when he’d miss, but was actually sleeping off his withdrawals. I gave him everything, he gave minimal to allow me to keep him in my home. I even saw him Try and pull a beer run in a local grocery store. He got caught on the way out, and ran empty handed. I was meeting him to help him with gas for his truck, and I saw it all as I sat in the parking lot. I couldn’t take it anymore. He said he has no problems, and I knew better but didn’t know how to help. Besides before being his girlfriend I’m a mom. I left him. I changed my number. I cut all contact. Now I feel guilty.

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Sandra Le'Poidevin
12/9/2018 01:49:39 pm

My son is on Methodone 50mg daily &smokes skunk..
I have been enaballing for years ..I have to stop this as money is not the answer and its destroying me ..He lives in a council flat with his dog who he loves dearly..
I just feel so desperate to watch him struggle..
He is getting more paranoid it worries me ..He will not go to the Dr.. I have kept his vehicles on the road ,and can't pay for it anymore ..
I have bought him a food voucher for Xmas. I hope he will come to us on Xmas day. GOD MUST LOOK AFTER HIM..AS ITS KILLING ME ...

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Bonnie May
1/15/2020 09:33:45 pm

I have once again fallen in love with an addict a d dont know how to get out of the relationship. I love him and want the best for him. I unfortunately have no one to tell my story to. I've tried alanon. I know it is a out me, but my story includes him. I need a friend I can be truthful with.

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Heather
3/10/2020 06:52:37 pm

My husband has been active in his alcoholism for 10 years. After many ups and downs, he was admitted to detox about 3 months ago. He attended meetings and has a sponsor but recently relapsed. I dont know what to do. I am thinking about divorcing him but is there another way to kick him into gear and still be married? I am trying not to enable him but it is hard to know what is enabling and what is helping. Like if I make dinner do I make enough for him? Its stuff like that that i am confused about. Guidance please.

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