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Loved ones of addicts: 10 things you can relate to

4/9/2015

1 Comment

 
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By: Fran Simone, Ph.D.



If you are related to, in relationship, or simply love an addict, life can be filled with many highs and lows.

So, what are some TRUE DESIRES that you might have in common with someone else going through the same process of acceptance and self-help? We explore here. Then, we invite your questions, comments, and feedback at the end. (In fact, we try to respond to all comments about being in a relationship with an addict with a personal and prompt reply.)

10 Wishes: What Loved Ones Of Addicts Really Want



1. We wish we could silence the voice of fear.

Our greatest fear is that our loved one will die from a drug overdose or the long term effects of alcoholism. This fear fuels a multitude of unhealthy behaviors, especially enabling behaviors related to codependency. The loved one becomes as sick as the addict. We need to learn how to replace fear with faith.

2. We wish we could let go of our anger.

Addicts are masters of manipulation. They steal from us, lie to us, yell at us and blame us for their addiction. “If you weren’t a better companion, I wouldn’t drink so much.” Often we respond in anger. While this may provide temporary relief, “letting off steam” only contributes to the problem.


3. We wish we didn’t keep family secrets.

We hide our shame by pretending that everything is “just fine.” What parent wants to broadcast that her son or daughter is homeless or in jail? What wife wants to admit that her husband was charged with a DUI? Unfortunately, these scenarios are all too common. We lead double lives and make believe that all’s well in our families.

4. We wish we could stop enabling.

Addiction craves enabling like plants need water. We assume responsibility for our loved one’s behavior. Our instinct is to help loved ones in distress. Yet, enabling only prolongs addiction. We need keep our spoon in our own bowl and let our loved ones experience the consequences of their behaviors. Letting go with love is our most difficult challenge but can be done with the help of family addiction support systems.

5. We wish we could set and keep boundaries.

Setting boundaries is essential to our well-being. “If you don’t stop using, you can’t live here.” But often we waiver and fail to follow through. This keeps the co-dependency dance going. Our loved leads by manipulating and we follow by enabling.

6. We wish we didn’t indulge in self-pity.

Self-pity can be as destructive as narcotics. Yet it’s as easy trap in which to fall. Who can blame loved ones for feeling sorry for themselves in the midst of unremitting chaos? We need to recognize that self-pity provides only momentary pleasure. It diminishes us and feeds our weaknesses not our strengths. Often, an attitude of gratitude cancels out a bout of self-pity.

7. We wish we were less judgmental and more compassionate.

Addiction is a disease of the brain. Until we acknowledge that fact we will judge our loved ones to be morally weak and selfish. They are sick both physically and emotionally. They are sad and depressed which makes sobriety seem like an impossible goal. These facts can help us judge less and empathize more.

8. We wish we could accept the things we cannot change.

No amount of nagging, enabling, or cajoling will get an addict to change. In fact, these behaviors are counter-productive. We need to accept the fact that only the addict can change when she is ready. When this occurs, we should step in with love, understanding, and support.

9. We wish that we didn’t lose hope.

Relapse is part of the disease of addiction. When a loved one refuses to stop using or bounces in and out of recovery, we abandon hope. We need not despair because there are no hopeless situations only people who become hopeless. Hang onto the good news that 23 million former addicts and alcoholics are in addiction recovery.

10. We wish we could enjoy life.

We may avoid social functions because of shame and embarrassment. We may stay home to keep an eye on the addict. We may lose sleep at night because we worry. These behaviors trap us in the cage of our loved one’s addiction. With help and support we can free ourselves from sorrow and suffering. We can recover and reclaim our lives.

1 Comment
Susan Christian
8/5/2021 11:09:53 pm

Hello to everyone out here, I am here to share the unexpected miracle that happened to me … My name is Susan Christian , I live in London, UK. we got married for more than 9 years and have gotten two kids. thing were going well with us and we are always happy. until one day my husband started to behave in a way i could not understand, i was very confused by the way he treat me and the kids. later that month he did not come home again and he called me that he want a divorce, i asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying is that he want a divorce that he hate me and do not want to see me again in his life, i was mad and also frustrated do not know what to do, i was sick for more than 2 weeks because of the divorce. i love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is incomplete. i told my sister and she told me to contact a spell caster, i never believe in all this spell casting of a thing. i just want to try if something will come out of it. i contacted Dr Emu for the return of my husband to me, they told me that my husband have been taken by another woman, that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want us to divorce. then they told me that they have to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and the kids, they casted the spell and after 24 hours my husband called me and he told me that i should forgive him, he started to apologize on phone and said that he still live me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that he Dr Emu casted on him that make him come back to me today, me and my family are now happy again today. thank you Dr Emu for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. i want you my friends who are passing through all this kind of love problem of getting back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact Dr Emu ,if you need his help you can contact him through his private mail: emutemple@gmail.com or you can contact him through his website https://emutemple.wordpress.com/ fb page Https://web.facebook.com/Emu-Temple-104891335203341 and you will see that your problem will be solved without any delay.

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